16 April 2012

What My Bladder Said To Me

1:33 a.m: You were the genius who drank the Capri Sun right before bed.

7:30 a.m: That's right. I'm full again, and you haven't even had anything to drink. Punishment for those dreams about swimming with the best swimsuit bod you've ever had.

10:30 a.m: Can you tell your HUGE kid to get off of me for a while? Otherwise, those precious yoga pants will be sporting a new zesty scent, and semi-circle pattern in the nether areas. (zesty? Wha?)

12:00 p.m: Okay, I know you're mad that I insisted we go NOW, and then only had a teaspoon to deliver, but I remembered that you wanted to go for a walk, and thought that this might help you see reason, and sit out the couch for a few more hours first.

1:00 p.m: That black cherry soda went right through me. Stick with the Shasta brand next time. It absorbs better.

1:30 p.m: What?! That grapefruit you ate with lunch had A LOT of juice in it. Don't judge.

3:30 p.m: In case you're wondering why I've ignored your for two hours, its because I couldn't pull myself away from those Modern family episodes. So worth the wait.

4:30 p.m: I'm SORRY. I thought we had the whole "you cross your legs, I don't leak" routine down. You gave me no warning. Plus, you sneezed SIX TIMES.

6:00 p.m: I know I didn't tell you I was getting full before you left for your 40 minute walk, but you didn't tell me your mammoth child was going to jump on me the whole time either. So....

7:30 p.m: Its about time you get through that water bottle once today. Shall we see if we can do it by lunch time tomorrow, so I don't shrivel up like giant prune? hmmm?

8:30 p.m: If you are going to get thirsty before bed, drink now. Otherwise, I can't promise to play fair in the middle of the night. Also, no more water dreams. Its just too tempting.

10:00 p.m: You noob. Did you not learn from the silvery pouch of 'Mountain Splash' that you enjoyed at this hour yesterday? You've got it coming, and I, have no mercy.

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