Being a mom has been hard lately. Lately being for the last eight weeks or so. Winter makes a mother's confidence shrivel to a fraction of itself. I have found myself wishing that I could just let someone else take care of M for a while. I'm not a bad mom. I'm a tired mom. All moms want to ship their children to the other side of the country at least pretty often.
I'm failing at liking my body today. I'll try again tomorrow.
Dishes have been sitting in the sink for at least 24 hours.
It took me two weeks to put two letters in the mail. It took me five minutes.
I let my not-quite-two year old watch about an hour of television every day. I don't count the hours that shows may be on for me. He doesn't really pay attention to Say Yes To The Dress.
And you know what, I still think my life is pretty good, that I'm a pretty good mom, and that there is something sexy about me. I do have a child, and we know how those come about: by being sexy.
15 March 2014
08 February 2014
a how to, including a very funny man with a side sweep hairdo
I am not a stranger to what I call self issues. I doubt and compare myself, and can remember doing it for as long as I can remember being self aware.
I have doubted my intellect, my sense of humor, my coolness (coolness is SO lame Steve Carell sums it up bestly), my attractiveness, my style, my ability to interact with people in general....and it could go on.
I still struggle with self issues, I alwaaaaays will, but I have made some pretty large strides in learning to love myself despite my square feet, non-dainty nose, and lack of conversational skill. I think some of this simply comes with maturity (snort. since I have that and stuff.), but some of it has had to be very deliberate. Otherwise I would get into a really icky spiral of self dislike.
So, here is a way I am learning to deliberately deal with my self issues:
I listen to the people that love me. When my husband gives me a compliment, I am trying to learn to take it as true rather than thinking he says what he knows would make me happy if it were true. (The woman's mind is such a webby, messy place)This applies to looks, tastes, and intellect. He also thinks I am very funny. Bless him.
When my well meaning, but creepy 17 year old brother tells my my hair looks sexy a certain way, I let myself feel pretty, and punch him while telling him you never say that to your sister. Ya idiot.
When my mom says,"you look cute, as usual,"....I don't really believe her because I usually haven't showered within the last day, and know she says it because I am a reflection of her genetics, and she wants to be hopeful. Still working on believing the mom :)
Point: The people who live outside of your head perceive you in a completely different manner than you perceive yourself, and if you let yourself learn their way of perception, you start to see the light a little bit more.
Here's to our lovers and loved ones. Trust their eyes, not yours.
I have doubted my intellect, my sense of humor, my coolness (coolness is SO lame Steve Carell sums it up bestly), my attractiveness, my style, my ability to interact with people in general....and it could go on.
I still struggle with self issues, I alwaaaaays will, but I have made some pretty large strides in learning to love myself despite my square feet, non-dainty nose, and lack of conversational skill. I think some of this simply comes with maturity (snort. since I have that and stuff.), but some of it has had to be very deliberate. Otherwise I would get into a really icky spiral of self dislike.
So, here is a way I am learning to deliberately deal with my self issues:
I listen to the people that love me. When my husband gives me a compliment, I am trying to learn to take it as true rather than thinking he says what he knows would make me happy if it were true. (The woman's mind is such a webby, messy place)This applies to looks, tastes, and intellect. He also thinks I am very funny. Bless him.
When my well meaning, but creepy 17 year old brother tells my my hair looks sexy a certain way, I let myself feel pretty, and punch him while telling him you never say that to your sister. Ya idiot.
When my mom says,"you look cute, as usual,"....I don't really believe her because I usually haven't showered within the last day, and know she says it because I am a reflection of her genetics, and she wants to be hopeful. Still working on believing the mom :)
Point: The people who live outside of your head perceive you in a completely different manner than you perceive yourself, and if you let yourself learn their way of perception, you start to see the light a little bit more.
Here's to our lovers and loved ones. Trust their eyes, not yours.
21 January 2014
Businessy stuff
Relocation seems to have infused itself into the blood of our life. We have been married four years, and lived in six places. Its insane. It is also fun. It is also not fun. We seem to always stay somewhere just long enough to get attached, and then leave. At least we have been some amazing friends this way, and I am awesome at putting things in boxes.
So basically we are in the same family as Marry Poppins and Nanny McPhee...just with dwellings instead of children.
Our lives are currently split between Mahwah, New Jersey, and a little farm somewhere close to Cooperstown in upstate New York. We still have our apartment and things in Minnesota, and will return there come spring.
We are here just to experience something fun and different. Chesley's flight job practically transforms into a janitorial job in the winter. The weather just isn't conducive to flying or crop dusting (surprise), so he ends up sweeping the hangar floor, or wiping down helicopters over and over and over. He has the wax on, wax off thing mastered, so we are here on the east coast giving maple syrup production a go.
Our dear family friends that are having us here own a maple farm in New York. They always need winter help tapping trees, and Ches has wanted to come out and work for them since he was a teenager. He is spending his days in the snowy maple woods in order to bring certified organic syrupy goodness to the people of the earth. He loves it. He was meant to be an outdoorsman.
M and I stay in New Jersey. They have been wonderful enough to open their home to us for the months we will be here. Their home is big and beautiful and chuck full of toys, so Mav is in heaven. I have read three books in two weeks, so I can't say that I am suffering very much. Ches comes home on the weekends, and there is much rejoicing.
That is all.
So basically we are in the same family as Marry Poppins and Nanny McPhee...just with dwellings instead of children.
Our lives are currently split between Mahwah, New Jersey, and a little farm somewhere close to Cooperstown in upstate New York. We still have our apartment and things in Minnesota, and will return there come spring.
We are here just to experience something fun and different. Chesley's flight job practically transforms into a janitorial job in the winter. The weather just isn't conducive to flying or crop dusting (surprise), so he ends up sweeping the hangar floor, or wiping down helicopters over and over and over. He has the wax on, wax off thing mastered, so we are here on the east coast giving maple syrup production a go.
Our dear family friends that are having us here own a maple farm in New York. They always need winter help tapping trees, and Ches has wanted to come out and work for them since he was a teenager. He is spending his days in the snowy maple woods in order to bring certified organic syrupy goodness to the people of the earth. He loves it. He was meant to be an outdoorsman.
M and I stay in New Jersey. They have been wonderful enough to open their home to us for the months we will be here. Their home is big and beautiful and chuck full of toys, so Mav is in heaven. I have read three books in two weeks, so I can't say that I am suffering very much. Ches comes home on the weekends, and there is much rejoicing.
That is all.
06 January 2014
As we go galavanting
I don't think I have ever made an actual list of goals at the turn of the year.
I want to be accountable. I want to be reminded. I want to accomplish the crap out of some stuff, so
10 things I most hope to accomplish in 2014:
1. Learn at least one new moderately difficult piano piece. Fingers remember thy practice!
2. Make more fresh veggies. Twice a week would be WAY more than currently.
3. Sing somewhere other than in my shower, or over my dirty dishes. In front of some people.
4. Go into New York for a day trip by myself at least once (we will be living close for a few months. I should tell you guys about this soon).
5. Try macaroons
6. Eliminate fat talk from my conversation, and my thoughts...no matter how thin my mother gets.
7. Love my husband better.
8. Read a new book every month. I shall post a list soon.
9. Keep to a budget, which includes ONLY buying things at the grocery store that are on the LIST.
10. Have more creative play for M, otherwise, I shall never remember to teach him his colors or his body parts.
I want to be accountable. I want to be reminded. I want to accomplish the crap out of some stuff, so
10 things I most hope to accomplish in 2014:
1. Learn at least one new moderately difficult piano piece. Fingers remember thy practice!
2. Make more fresh veggies. Twice a week would be WAY more than currently.
3. Sing somewhere other than in my shower, or over my dirty dishes. In front of some people.
4. Go into New York for a day trip by myself at least once (we will be living close for a few months. I should tell you guys about this soon).
5. Try macaroons
6. Eliminate fat talk from my conversation, and my thoughts...no matter how thin my mother gets.
7. Love my husband better.
8. Read a new book every month. I shall post a list soon.
9. Keep to a budget, which includes ONLY buying things at the grocery store that are on the LIST.
10. Have more creative play for M, otherwise, I shall never remember to teach him his colors or his body parts.
31 December 2013
The Most Sacred
I am finally trying to be brave again, so I want to write about something intimately important to me, Temples.
Temples are one of the biggest blessings that come along with being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Temples are amazing. Temples are sacred. Temples are special. The spirit of God dwells there, and it is impossible not to feel it.
I have had friends ask me questions about what we do there. Our experiences there are so sacred that we don't share details about the covenants or ordinances we experience there. It isn't weird or crazy. Just sacred and personal.
We make covenants that require us to live righteously. We are instructed about the Lord's gospel. We do ordinances for the dead.
The dead people part creeps people out sometimes. Other people think that we force our religion on deceased persons by doing this. It isn't creepy or forceful. We look into our family history, perform the ordinances by proxy for those who have lost their bodies through death, and they have the opportunity to accept or refuse those ordinances. We aren't pushy. The Lord has promised that every person will have the opportunity to accept His gospel, and this is part of how He keeps that promise.
The part that always leaves me feeling unexplainable gratitude is the fact that in the Temple I was able to be sealed to my husband forever. Time and eternity baby. And, as we have our children, they are bound to us eternally as well. If we live righteously and keep our part of the covenants and promises, our relationship will be always.
I can't imagine not having my C with me. Ever. Because of the temple, I never have to be without him, even after we go to the next thing after mortality.
Every time I leave the temple I feel empowered and more capable of dealing with my personal temptations and trials than I did when I went in. There is no better place to find peace, and escape from the trouble and pain and frustration of being human.
I love the temple.
Temples are one of the biggest blessings that come along with being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Temples are amazing. Temples are sacred. Temples are special. The spirit of God dwells there, and it is impossible not to feel it.
I have had friends ask me questions about what we do there. Our experiences there are so sacred that we don't share details about the covenants or ordinances we experience there. It isn't weird or crazy. Just sacred and personal.
We make covenants that require us to live righteously. We are instructed about the Lord's gospel. We do ordinances for the dead.
The dead people part creeps people out sometimes. Other people think that we force our religion on deceased persons by doing this. It isn't creepy or forceful. We look into our family history, perform the ordinances by proxy for those who have lost their bodies through death, and they have the opportunity to accept or refuse those ordinances. We aren't pushy. The Lord has promised that every person will have the opportunity to accept His gospel, and this is part of how He keeps that promise.
The part that always leaves me feeling unexplainable gratitude is the fact that in the Temple I was able to be sealed to my husband forever. Time and eternity baby. And, as we have our children, they are bound to us eternally as well. If we live righteously and keep our part of the covenants and promises, our relationship will be always.
I can't imagine not having my C with me. Ever. Because of the temple, I never have to be without him, even after we go to the next thing after mortality.
Every time I leave the temple I feel empowered and more capable of dealing with my personal temptations and trials than I did when I went in. There is no better place to find peace, and escape from the trouble and pain and frustration of being human.
I love the temple.
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