no secrets here

I haven't posted in four months. I just haven't felt like it.

and that is ooookay.

Today, I feel like posting this excerpt form a recent journal entry:

"I've forced myself not to feel guilty about being on cruise control today. I went to bed late, was at the gym at 6, so I was tired all day. We watched too much tv, and I didn't get down and play cars with M even half of the times he asked (You guys, he asks about 12387235876432 times a day). That is okay. Why do I beat myself up about these days?

I know someday I will miss this. Too soon probably. I will miss being a dinosaur getting hotdogs and ice cream. I will miss holding my baby girl while she clings to my arm with hers. I will miss wiping bums and teaching to to maneuver stairs. Those days truly are precious. Sometimes it is almost impossible to remember that when I feel buried in them.

Soak it in mama. Soak it in."

On Truth

The thoughts flying through my mind tonight wont settle.

They are unpopular.

It seems that everywhere I turn, I see this idea of relative truth. This idea that people can create truth individual to their own taste, or their own life. This ideology is smothering society's consciousness of real Truth.

Folks, Truth is black and white. Right is right. Wrong is wrong. Truth. Is. Truth, and will remain so even if there is no one left believing.

I do not pretend to have a full understanding of what all Truths are, but I know a God who does.

I know a God who has written Eternal Laws. These laws cannot, and will not change.

Part of me wishes that some of them could change. There are people that I love and admire that are gay. My admiration of them is sincere and total. Their sexuality in no way affects how I personally feel about them. I truly want them to find life partners, and be happy.

That being said, I would defend the law of Marriage being between a man and a woman every time because that is the law of God. I can not regard the opinion of anyone, no matter how high they may be in my esteem, more than I regard the word and laws of God.

I do not believe the Lord doesn't want gay people to be happy. I believe that He loves them, and understands them. I don't begin to understand why this particular law is what it is, and why it is such a struggle. But, it is Truth.

This is just one of many Eternal Laws that are being relitivized by today's society. 

I must live the Truth as I feel it in my heart. My Father in Heaven has proved himself to me too many times for me to doubt Him. His hand is simply too obvious in my life.

So, I stand for the Truth I know, and lovingly ask for understanding and acceptance.

I will grant the same to you.

Instead

Instead of staying a baby, P is growing and (gasp) practically CRAWLING. 

Instead of swapping out clothes that are too small, I keep squeezing her healthy self into them. I mean, those leggings. How can I not?

Instead of letting C's work induced absence make me nuts I am concentrating on looking so forward to heading west soon, and spending weeks and weeks with this lady.

Instead of cleaning the kitchen I watched these two play, while thinking about how yummy the bigger one is.

Instead of wearing pants I put on the most comfortable leggings of my life, picked up C from the airport, and went to this neat park for lunch.

Instead of being nervous about outings on my own with the minions, I take a superhero with me.

Instead of getting sad about a terrible haircut, I swept those blunt bangs to the side, and simply embraced the frizz.

February and Beyond

Our house has been looking something like this:

                                        

                                        

                                        

                                        

                                        

*Potty training is happening up in here, and its working out this time. Jelly beans have magical potty powers.

*I have a hard time keeping M out of P's crib. I am normally quite diligent about not allowing him in, but I didn't have the heart to deny him this cuddle time. He wanted it so badly. 

*This girl is a smiling machine

*The library is one of our frequent escapes when the walls start to close in at home. M is probably a little too comfortable there. He always has things to tell Diane, our fabulous librarian, and takes complete reign of the children's section of the building.

*I have always tried to foster M's imagination. I lived in my imagination as a child, and wouldn't want it any other way for my kids. Sometimes I am baffled at what he comes up with. Being surprised at the originality of your children is pretty neat.

*smooches

*Those little carts have been at the top of my enemy list for some time. They whisper to the children pushing them to run willy nilly through the store, and to disregard everything their parents are saying to them. All of a sudden he has been listening really well, and staying right next to me all through the store. He even pushes the heavy stuff.

*I was so happy C snapped this for me. This is what so much of my time is spent doing. This kid is obsessed with books. It makes me feel a little better about the fact that he is also crazy for television. We are SO excited for the warm weather, so we spend time outside instead of in front of a screen.

Hit the road Jack....Frost, and don't you come back no more

 (no more no more no more)

Its time.

I know this happens every year. Winter, that is. And, every year everyone gets tired of winter, and starts to complaaaain, and loudly long for warmer weather. So, for the sake of tradition that is what we are doing around here.

How do I know its time? Beside the fact that Sunday is March?

I know its time for spring because the four pair of boots that I rotate through all winter are looking much less appealing than all of my flats, sandals, and slip ons that are sitting sadly in my closet. I have a serious love affair with boots. Boots, you will always be my favorite of all footwear, but we need some time apart.

I know its time for spring because work out videos are getting more and more difficult to put in that DVD player. I just want to go outside and walk or (gasp) jog! I've been staring into the eyes of Jillian Michaels for far too long.

I know its time for spring because I have a baby who has never been outside longer than a trip from building to vehicle and back again. I'd love to introduce you. She's a doll.

I know its time for spring because I'd appreciate having my shorts and cropped pants as an excuse to shave at least my lower legs more than occasionally.

Winter, you've been tolerable, even pleasant in spurts, but why don't you just find your way on over to the other side of the planet for the next 8 months or so. Mmmmmkay?

bedtime conversations: ladies-wear

K: those pants are still so tight that if I popped out of them they'd shoot me right into the upper atmosphere.

C: Like Pecos Bill's wife. Well, that was because she was wearing a bussle.

K: I thought that was because she sat on his horse...

C: That started it, but it was more about the bussle. It bounces.

....mostly I'm just delighted that C knows about bussles. 

Happy List

In Relief Society (our church's fabulous women's organization) on Sunday we talked about maintaining happiness even through the difficult phases of our lives. It was a powerful reminder for me of all the things in my life which bring me joy.

A few of the things I've been thinking about:

Taking M with us out to our Valentine dinner, and having him realize and vehemently object to the fact that we had left P home with a babysitter. "No! She's supposed to come with us! I need her!" 

Feeling C smile in the middle of one of those (dare I say) delicious 15 second kisses.
If you are in a relationship and not doing this, start.

I've made dinner the last five night in a row. Five nights in a row people,
Four of them have been delicious.

Just Gilmore Girls.

I've been having a lot of dreams about old friends from high school and college. I have been blessed with some of the most fabulous people in my life. Holla.

Yesterday C finally made the triangle shelves that were supposed to be my
mother's day gift last year. They are gorgeous. 

I have bought more new music in the last month than the last seven years combined.
Isn't new music such a liberating experience? 

and these: 

i am so happy.

This is when I do my best eating

I recently read a few things about being a mom that have really struck me, and helped me concentrate on soaking it all in, even when its exhausting and chaotic.

Something about the fact that these may not be the easiest times, but we can't simply hold our breath and close our eyes for when things are easier because although difficult, these are the best times. I'm sure you have read many blog posts with similar sentiment, so I won't blather on. But I sure could. Also, blather. What an excellent word.

Even with this being the case, I keep finding myself collapsed on the the couch with relief when the kids are asleep in the evening. These hours are sooooo precious. Should I feel guilty that I look forward (desperately) to these hours when these amazing little people don't need me?

No. Not even a little.

After meditating on the subject over a bowl of life cereal, I realized why these hours are so important for a mom. We give ourselves to our children all day long. At the end of the day we are tapped out. Not a drop left in the barrel. These evening hours filled with Gilmore Girls, Jimmy Fallon, cheesy romance novels, conversations with my husband, and more snacking than the human body should be able to tolerate are how we get ourselves back. It is when we reload.

Because tomorrow we are going to be giving ourselves away all over again, and if we haven't found what we gave away yesterday, (as cheesy as it sounds) we won't have much to give to our children tomorrow.

So when 7:00 rolls around and I am tucking M's blankets so tightly around him that he can't possibly escape without aid before I kiss his little head, its a good thing.