I have always had an overactive imagination

I saw my friend Jess the day before I left Brigham City to come back to Le Sueur. We talked about her upcoming move across the country to where her husband will be going to school. We were only able to chat for about one minute, then I had to take the donuts I was buying out to devour my share to anxiously waiting family. She mentioned our meeting on her (completely awesome) blog, and it got me thinking.

I found myself thinking about moving. Moving across the country, far from what is familiar. It made me remember the anticipation of wondering how it would be, what the people would be like, how I would fit in and find new friends, what color the sky would be. You know. Thinking about how my life would carry on at all.

I remember the first walk I went on by myself in this new little town.  It was January, and just as you might imagine, Minnesota's offerings of pleasant walking weather in January might mean 30 degrees. It was quite cold. I had had a long day alone with the baby, and Ches urged me to get out for a few minutes when he got home from work.

No one else was outside. It was only rows of cold, stoic house fronts, and tightly shut doors. In my mind I imagined the occupants of those silent houses looking out their peep holes, or through their lacy curtains, and shaking their heads,whitened with age and wisdom, that someone who didn't belong in their town was walking down the sidewalk. It all felt very melancholy and dramatic. I believe I even imagined someone opening their door to throw something at me.

It all seems very silly now that I am settled in, and growing familiar with this place, but the images that surfaced in my head as I shuffled down that uneven sidewalk were true to how I was feeling: unknown, a little lost, out of place, and apprehensive.

So Jess, let me tell you something. You'll have your own walk in January. But, let me tell you something else. After you get back inside, and your husband has made you a cup of cocoa, and put chicken nuggets in the oven, so you don't have to cook dinner, life keeps going on. Not only does it keep going on, it starts to feel normal in a way you never anticipated was possible so far from where you had always been before.

Then, at some point, it starts to feel like its own version of home.

                                 

just today

I remembered that I once confused the words 'pubic' and 'cuticle'....horrifying. 

Don't ask me why.

Perhaps its the same reason I have to think for at lease 15 seconds before I can differentiate between Reese Witherspoon and Kate Hudson in my mind.

My husband might argue that it is probably related to the same brain disfunction that causes my lack of attraction for George Clooney. 

Why I can never say the word repricocity reciprocity correctly. So hard.

Not to mention this list of items. 

Do you know what is not hard? Looking at this face.

                           

I was hiding under a bush, so to speak.

Fear is something I have in abundance. I am afraid of a lot of things. Much to my chagrin, a lot of my fears have to do with what I think other people will think of me. Like every human being, I battle feelings of inadequacy. 

I'm working on it.

One of my biggest fears has always been talking about my faith. The faith that I have in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The faith that I have in Jesus Christ as my Savior, in living prophets, in studying the word of God, in serving people. I also believe in being good and kind to all people, no matter how they may differ from me. 

Growing up in Utah where the overwhelming majority of people went to the same church, meant that I took people's beliefs for granted. 

I was also afraid of putting my testimony, my soul out there on the line only to have it scoffed at or rejected harshly. 

Going to College helped me learn that even in Utah, people are diverse and believe many things. I also learned that there are a lot of non-Mormon people in Utah that find the church or some of its members annoying,overbearing, or even offensive. The idea of becoming that person scared me enough to almost never talk about religion with people outside of the Mormon community. We just talked about everything else instead. Occasionally friends would ask me questions, and I would answer them quickly, and try to move on in order to get out of the danger zone.

Facepalm.

I am trying not to be afraid anymore. 

I'm a Mormon. I adore being a Mormon. The knowledge of the Gospel gives me a foundation and a direction that I could not get anywhere else. I have a close relationship with a Heavenly Father who knows me very well, and makes his presence obvious in my life by answering my endless prayers, and extending tender mercies when I feel like I am nearing the end of my capacity to cope. 

I have now had the chance to have wonderful, non-scary talks with friends about my testimony. Even if they aren't that curious, so far, no one has been scary or unkind. Its not like we are talking about politics...its just religion right? :D

In order to help me really move past this dumbly immense fear I have created for myself, I am going to start posting once in a while about some of the things I love about my Faith. If spiritual things annoy you or make you uncomfortable, feel free to skip those posts. I won't mind. Don't worry about this blog becoming a bible school. Not going to happen. I will continue to make other posts as well. 

If you are ever curious about anything I post, please don't hesitate to ask me through the comments or an email. If you don't want to ask, the church's website holds many answers and resources. 

Here is to the end of fear.

Why I can't have a fashion blog..

besides the fact that most of my wardrobe from my freshman year of college is still in my closet....

I am in mourning about sex

A question has been on my mind for months now. I can't shake it. I am swallowed with sadness every time I think about it. 


Why is casual intimacy a thing, a very very common thing even? Why is fidelity dying? 

I watch a lot of New Girl. I adore it. Its clever and funny and delightful. However, one thing that has bothered me from the beginning is the casualness with which they talk about sex. They are intimate with people they don't know, and at one point Schmit expresses distress when he realizes he is in love, and now has to have feelings in order to take pleasure in sex. 

I am so sickened. Its not just New Girl. Its EVERY show. ew.

How are we so off the mark as an entire society.

Relationships are not easy. This is not new news. Putting two lives together takes communication and compromise. It always will. 

Good relationships take a good esophagus that is equipped to swallow lots and lots of pride. I have had an awful lot of practice apologizing through gritted teeth because I knew it was what I should do, but far from what my ego wanted me to do. I am not tooting my own horn. I am not perfect. I haven't done the right thing every time. My pride wins out in turns.

I am not a relationship expert, but here is what I think. Teenagers shouldn't be having sex. Twelve year olds should be roller skating, not worrying about being popular or getting a boyfriend or girlfriend. Married couples should stay married, unless divorce is really the best option (Which I acknowledge totally does happen. Abuse of any kind and other kinds of issues of that nature do not apply to my point). 

I don't believe people just fall out of love. That is poop. Forgive my French. At least one of the people in that relationship stopped trying. They stopped doing things for their spouse, they stopped holding hands. They stopped saying 'I love you' every day. They stopped discovering each other. What are relationships without discovery? I am not saying every day of the rest of your life with the same person is never going to seem mundane. It will. But it won't always. 


This whole post is a bit disconnected,and far from my best attempt at prose, but this topic is important. So important.

Lets take a little, or a lot, of the sex out of our media and society, and save it for people who are ready to commit to each other until the end. Save it to be special and precious.

In the mean time, talk, walk, and have adventures to get to know each other instead of taking off clothes. 

How I apply comic books to real life.

Kryptonite. It is not a real thing. But it's totally a real thing.

I differ in many ways from Kryptonite's original victim. Wearing my underwear under my clothes and understanding that glasses are not an effective disguise are just the beginning of that list. 

This list is just about Kryptonite. The fact that the man of steel only has one weakness is totally proof of his superness.

This is a list of my brands of Kryptonite. They are many. Here are five of them.

                                   

Cookies: you guys are aware if this. I talk about food often, and cookies are in my mind and in my belly particularly often. I have a problem. Seeking cookie counseling. I could really eat an entire dozen cookies without even pausing to consider the fact that it isn't good for me, and sometimes I get curious about how many I could eat before I get sick.

Head massage: That thing the wicked witch does when they throw water on her at the end of Wizard of Oz? I do that, except with happy ooooh's and aaaaaah's, slobber coming forth from the corner of my mouth, and crossed eyes. I puddlefy on the spot. A guy that was once interested in me discovered this, and used it as a party trick a couple of times. As in, hey guys, watch this... I become an instantaneous puddle. I didn't think it was very funny. Just very awkward. We didn't date.

Shoes: a typical womanly weakness. Here's the thing, the right shoes can make a bland outfit feel unique or spunky. This is important to me. I hate feeling meh, bleh, blah, or pleh. Shoes are an easy way to avoid that. And it is hard to be too chubby for shoes....unless we are talking about knee length boots. I can never zip those up over my (not even that big) legs. A topic for not right now. In short, shoes can be a quick way to just feel a little better about the world.

Soft Serve Swirl Cones: Yes, another food item makes my top five list of weaknesses. This particular weakness brings on the side of me that C refers to as "baby Karlie". I will mow right over old people on the sidewalk if there is a soft serve place in sight. My voice suddenly jumps up an octave  and my vocabulary shrinks to mostly squeals and laughs. I'm not kidding. Something just...comes over me. The ice cream bliss. Swirl cones in Cars Land and Charlie's in Logan are tied for the win.

HGTV: I argue that this is useful. I have learned SO much about what I want in a home as far as design and aesthetics than I ever would have figured out watching The Walking Dead (ugh) or Community, or trying to figure it out without television or pinterest (can you IMAGINE?). It doesn't hurt that the Income Property guy is the real life Flynn Rider, Property brothers are so cute, and Kitchen Cousins....well who doesn't visually enjoy them. 

Kryptonite. It's a real thing.