07 June 2012

More Than Diapers


It is something I have craved yet been terrified of my entire life.

I want to be that girl that is different, innovative, and adventurous. I feel like there are parts of me that fit those three things, and parts of me that are so ordinary that I'm impossible to differentiate from any other young, married, Mormon girl.  That's okay. Young, married, Mormon girls have some excellent things going for them.

Husband can tell you that my reaction to change before it happens tends to be anxiety filled. I fret, over-think, and generally find reasons to not go through with the change. This has happened with marriage, moving, getting new jobs, graduating from college (I still want to go back for that art degree....), and choosing which flavor of Shasta to buy at the grocery store. He smiles at me, puts his hand on the small of my back, and with gentle pressure, leads me head-on into these changes.

Then, once the change has happened. I'm totally fine. I look back on my anxiety with a big fat question mark face, wondering where it came from. 

It has been the same with the baby.

I have become so comfortable with my life revolving around Husband and me. I know what to expect. I know what amount of freedom I have, and we could go anywhere and do anything on a whim.

Please know that this is NOT a complaint or a wish that we did not have a baby coming! Although there is an element of terror, it comes from the unknown. It comes from that nagging feeling that I will somehow ruin him by forgetting a feeding, swaddling him too tight, making him eat popsicles too early, or by dropping him from my lap while reaching for the remote to switch to the next episode of Modern Family.

This nervousness takes up about 5% of my feelings toward how my life is about to change. The other 95% is excitement and happiness and anticipation. This is thanks to Chesley. When I ask him if he is nervous he says, "Sure, but mostly I am just excited!".  He has kept me positive and anchored, and refuses to let me dwell on my fears of inadequacy.  I love him. He will be just about the BEST dad.

Baby, can you come already so I can do the question mark face part of this deal.

So, after all of this very poorly connected rambling...Here is to change! Here is to sharing our lives and personalities with our children while being careful to keep improving ourselves! Here is to sewing projects, bottles, onsies, diapers, burp-rags, poop-explosions, and smiles and happiness that I know I don't yet understand.


Heart Mommy said...

Your thoughts are cometely valid? If we all thought we'd be a pro there would be no room for character building and those ah ha moments when you say!!! I am turning into my mother (and I am so glad, cause look how rad I turned out) it never goes away, with each little person trusted to your family those feelings of change come right back!!!! Luff you!

Stephanie Woodward said...

Oh. my. gosh. This is exactly how I felt before we had our baby!!! I have a hard time with change too. The unknown is always scary. I was just so comfortable with the way things were, and especially didn't want my relationship with my husband to change. However, since she has come I have never once wished things were back to the way they used to be. All those things I was worried about aren't a very big deal now. Life is better than ever. :) You will LOVE being a mom!! At least I hope you will....haha. Hang in there, this last little while was the hardest for me! I'm so excited for you though!

Cassandra said...

You two are going to be the best parents around! I can't wait to meet Baby!! :)