It is something I have craved yet been terrified of my entire life.
I want to be that girl that is different, innovative, and adventurous. I feel like there are parts of me that fit those three things, and parts of me that are so ordinary that I'm impossible to differentiate from any other young, married, Mormon girl. That's okay. Young, married, Mormon girls have some excellent things going for them.
Husband can tell you that my reaction to change before it happens tends to be anxiety filled. I fret, over-think, and generally find reasons to not go through with the change. This has happened with marriage, moving, getting new jobs, graduating from college (I still want to go back for that art degree....), and choosing which flavor of Shasta to buy at the grocery store. He smiles at me, puts his hand on the small of my back, and with gentle pressure, leads me head-on into these changes.
Then, once the change has happened. I'm totally fine. I look back on my anxiety with a big fat question mark face, wondering where it came from.
It has been the same with the baby.
I have become so comfortable with my life revolving around Husband and me. I know what to expect. I know what amount of freedom I have, and we could go anywhere and do anything on a whim.
Please know that this is NOT a complaint or a wish that we did not have a baby coming! Although there is an element of terror, it comes from the unknown. It comes from that nagging feeling that I will somehow ruin him by forgetting a feeding, swaddling him too tight, making him eat popsicles too early, or by dropping him from my lap while reaching for the remote to switch to the next episode of Modern Family.
This nervousness takes up about 5% of my feelings toward how my life is about to change. The other 95% is excitement and happiness and anticipation. This is thanks to Chesley. When I ask him if he is nervous he says, "Sure, but mostly I am just excited!". He has kept me positive and anchored, and refuses to let me dwell on my fears of inadequacy. I love him. He will be just about the BEST dad.
Baby, can you come already so I can do the question mark face part of this deal.
So, after all of this very poorly connected rambling...Here is to change! Here is to sharing our lives and personalities with our children while being careful to keep improving ourselves! Here is to sewing projects, bottles, onsies, diapers, burp-rags, poop-explosions, and smiles and happiness that I know I don't yet understand.