The kind of things I shouldn't say

Being a mom has been hard lately. Lately being for the last eight weeks or so. Winter makes a mother's confidence shrivel to a fraction of itself. I have found myself wishing that I could just let someone else take care of M for a while. I'm not a bad mom. I'm a tired mom. All moms want to ship their children to the other side of the country at least pretty often.

I'm failing at liking my body today. I'll try again tomorrow.

Dishes have been sitting in the sink for at least 24 hours.

It took me two weeks to put two letters in the mail. It took me five minutes.

I let my not-quite-two year old watch about an hour of television every day. I don't count the hours that shows may be on for me. He doesn't really pay attention to Say Yes To The Dress.

And you know what, I still think my life is pretty good, that I'm a pretty good mom, and that there is something sexy about me. I do have a child, and we know how those come about: by being sexy.

a how to, including a very funny man with a side sweep hairdo

I am not a stranger to what I call self issues. I doubt and compare myself, and can remember doing it for as long as I can remember being self aware.

I have doubted my intellect, my sense of humor, my coolness (coolness is SO lame Steve Carell sums it up bestly), my attractiveness, my style, my ability to interact with people in general....and it could go on.

I still struggle with self issues, I alwaaaaays will, but I have made some pretty large strides in learning to love myself despite my square feet, non-dainty nose, and lack of conversational skill. I think some of this simply comes with maturity (snort. since I have that and stuff.), but some of it has had to be very deliberate. Otherwise I would get into a really icky spiral of self dislike.

So, here is a way I am learning to deliberately deal with my self issues:

I listen to the people that love me. When my husband gives me a compliment, I am trying to learn to take it as true rather than thinking he says what he knows would make me happy if it were true. (The woman's mind is such a webby, messy place)This applies to looks, tastes, and intellect. He also thinks I am very funny. Bless him.

When my well meaning, but creepy 17 year old brother tells my my hair looks sexy a certain way, I let myself feel pretty, and punch him while telling him you never say that to your sister. Ya idiot.

When my mom says,"you look cute, as usual,"....I don't really believe her because I usually haven't showered within the last day, and know she says it because I am a reflection of her genetics, and she wants to be hopeful. Still working on believing the mom :)

Point: The people who live outside of your head perceive you in a completely different manner than you perceive yourself, and if you let yourself learn their way of perception, you start to see the light a little bit more.

Here's to our lovers and loved ones. Trust their eyes, not yours.

The Most Sacred

I am finally trying to be brave again, so I want to write about something intimately important to me, Temples.

Temples are one of the biggest blessings that come along with being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Temples are amazing. Temples are sacred. Temples are special. The spirit of God dwells there, and it is impossible not to feel it.

I have had friends ask me questions about what we do there. Our experiences there are so sacred that we don't share details about the covenants or  ordinances we experience there. It isn't weird or crazy. Just sacred and personal.

We make covenants that require us to live righteously. We are instructed about the Lord's gospel. We do ordinances for the dead.

The dead people part creeps people out sometimes. Other people think that we force our religion on deceased persons by doing this. It isn't creepy or forceful. We look into our family history, perform the ordinances by proxy for those who have lost their bodies through death, and they have the opportunity to accept or refuse those ordinances.  We aren't pushy. The Lord has promised that every person will have the opportunity to accept His gospel, and this is part of how He keeps that promise.

The part that always leaves me feeling unexplainable gratitude is the fact that in the Temple I was able to be sealed to my husband forever. Time and eternity baby. And, as we have our children, they are bound to us eternally as well. If we live righteously and keep our part of the covenants and promises, our relationship will be always.

I can't imagine not having my C with me. Ever. Because of the temple, I never have to be without him, even after we go to the next thing after mortality.

Every time I leave the temple I feel empowered and more capable of dealing with my personal temptations and trials than I did when I went in. There is no better place to find peace, and escape from the trouble and pain and frustration of being human.

I love the temple.

 

you should love yourself because I said so, and some other reasons

I had a very lovely and much needed girls night out this weekend. Isn't it amazing to talk, laugh, and just interact with other women ?! Don't get me wrong, I am a F-A-N (I reeeeally like them) of men, but women need women too.

There were ten of us sitting at the chef's table at Olives, and I can assure you that the conversation was delightful, and the laughter free. We talked about hair while I tried to convert everyone to dry shampoo, watching your children grow, and how weird it was that bread is so addicting when it is so simple. 

At one point they had me talking about my family, and how we each seem to have a different niche, and how it is so easy to be jealous when a talent or ability (or in my brother Shane's case just being beautiful) comes so effortlessly. I began to think about how desperately women have fought at times to feel like their lives were as exciting or beautiful as the lives of people whose blogs they follow, or whose posts they see on facebook and instagram.  

To counter this, I made this list:

1. It sounds cliche, but I am the only person exactly like me! I may not be an interesting person because I have been to amazing places, or done a lot of cool things. But, I am an interesting person because of my thoughts, quirks, and the way I express myself.

                

2. As women we simply deserve to feel pretty and loveable. I am aware that may sound too simple minded, but I believe it with all of my heart. Each of us has something about us that is beautiful. What I have to offer the world may not be as big or public as what some other women offer, but I have people to whom I am more important than any of those other women. So do you. That isn't to say that they or what they do aren't valuable, but you can not base your worth or beauty off of that of other people. Also, when your husband, boyfriend, best friend, or someone that truly knows and loves you tells you that you are beautiful, BELIEVE THEM.

3. I have some stellar abilities. I can't draw like my sister, make music like my brother, or compare to another brother's quick wit, but I have my own stuff. I am good at making people feel comfortable. I have a stellar British accent. I am good at resolving disputes peacefully. I have an artistic eye. Abilities. I have them. You have them.

4. My body does everything for me that I need. My relationship with my body is long and very much resembles what you would see on a heart monitor. I have  felt too big since middle school (haven't we all), my nose is big and has a weird shape, I have poop brown eyes, can you say man hands?...on and on I hashed at my body. Only in the last few months decided that I actually like my body. I like my body despite that fact that I am as big as I ever was, not counting pregnant me, and have serious scarring from that pregnancy. I look just fine in a size 12. If you struggle with your body, at least be aware and thankful of what it does for you. That will help you to appreciate it a little more. 

I can get off of my soap box now, but I would love to hear how you have reminded yourself that you are important and brilliant even when the pictures you post on facebook never seem to be as perfect as that one girl with which you went to high school....? 

Lets help each other out! Spread the love! Leave me a comment and post a pretty picture of you today!