no secrets here

I haven't posted in four months. I just haven't felt like it.

and that is ooookay.

Today, I feel like posting this excerpt form a recent journal entry:

"I've forced myself not to feel guilty about being on cruise control today. I went to bed late, was at the gym at 6, so I was tired all day. We watched too much tv, and I didn't get down and play cars with M even half of the times he asked (You guys, he asks about 12387235876432 times a day). That is okay. Why do I beat myself up about these days?

I know someday I will miss this. Too soon probably. I will miss being a dinosaur getting hotdogs and ice cream. I will miss holding my baby girl while she clings to my arm with hers. I will miss wiping bums and teaching to to maneuver stairs. Those days truly are precious. Sometimes it is almost impossible to remember that when I feel buried in them.

Soak it in mama. Soak it in."

I have always had an overactive imagination

I saw my friend Jess the day before I left Brigham City to come back to Le Sueur. We talked about her upcoming move across the country to where her husband will be going to school. We were only able to chat for about one minute, then I had to take the donuts I was buying out to devour my share to anxiously waiting family. She mentioned our meeting on her (completely awesome) blog, and it got me thinking.

I found myself thinking about moving. Moving across the country, far from what is familiar. It made me remember the anticipation of wondering how it would be, what the people would be like, how I would fit in and find new friends, what color the sky would be. You know. Thinking about how my life would carry on at all.

I remember the first walk I went on by myself in this new little town.  It was January, and just as you might imagine, Minnesota's offerings of pleasant walking weather in January might mean 30 degrees. It was quite cold. I had had a long day alone with the baby, and Ches urged me to get out for a few minutes when he got home from work.

No one else was outside. It was only rows of cold, stoic house fronts, and tightly shut doors. In my mind I imagined the occupants of those silent houses looking out their peep holes, or through their lacy curtains, and shaking their heads,whitened with age and wisdom, that someone who didn't belong in their town was walking down the sidewalk. It all felt very melancholy and dramatic. I believe I even imagined someone opening their door to throw something at me.

It all seems very silly now that I am settled in, and growing familiar with this place, but the images that surfaced in my head as I shuffled down that uneven sidewalk were true to how I was feeling: unknown, a little lost, out of place, and apprehensive.

So Jess, let me tell you something. You'll have your own walk in January. But, let me tell you something else. After you get back inside, and your husband has made you a cup of cocoa, and put chicken nuggets in the oven, so you don't have to cook dinner, life keeps going on. Not only does it keep going on, it starts to feel normal in a way you never anticipated was possible so far from where you had always been before.

Then, at some point, it starts to feel like its own version of home.

                                 

Do you want to be my favorite uncle?

I don't know what it is about Dick Van Dyke, but it is impossible not to like him. Right? Do any of you NOT have an affection for this man? It is the kind of feeling you might have for a beloved uncle or grandfather. You just want to latch on at the knee and have them pat your head.

I imagine that if I ever met him I would just want to give him a hug, after which we would share a milkshake while throwing back our heads in affectionate and delightful laughter. The sun would most likely be glimmering over us.

We sing to Maverik every night. For weeks I tried to remember the words of this song because I knew that as a child I had loved it. I kept forgetting, and he mostly got "Once Upon a December" sung on repeat because it is my other favorite. I finally remembered to look this up one evening during his bedtime routine.

Don't you just want to be one of those kids?! Being Truly Scrumptious wouldn't make me feel too bad either....

I got over the age, but not the song

This song is one of my soul songs. One of the songs that seems to be in my bones you know?

I was probably 13 when I heard this song for the first time. I was having some turmoil of the heart, and thought things could never feel worse. I was crushing on a boy h-a-r-d and he liked one of my closest friends. I was feeling overlooked and unwanted as only a 13 year old girl can (seriously, how did I manage to make everything feel so tragic?). 

I would go home, put this song on repeat, throw myself on my bed (like in Beauty in the beast when she gets locked in her room for the first time. It was a really good body throw. It takes talent to not do neck damage with this kind of action).

Somehow this song put into feeling the right kind of sadness I was feeling. I wanted someone to feel this way about meeeeeee. 

And now, I just love it. Partly for nostalgic reasons, partly because Mr. Withers has an incredible voice, and partly because it is just a good song. That is three parts. Enjoy.

Things Learned...

...after having our first visitors in Minnesota

1. Visitors RULE. Family seemed especially special because it felt like they brought home with them. 

2. When grandparents spoil your children it feels as though you are getting spoiled because you reap the benefits by default. I also learned that this does not mean that you are welcome to eat all of the animal crackers...

3. Sharing a Port-a-potty size bathroom with four grown people takes some juggling. It also takes a level of restraint in order to not ask who left that smell in there. Courtesy is also required when you already know who left that smell in there.

4. Duck Dynasty is truly a marvelous way to pass empty hours. That joy is expounded upon when your father-in-law laughs loudly and gleefully every minute or so. 

5. Plan a menu, (I thought I planned one, but when they got here I realized I hadn't...don't ask me how that happened.) otherwise you will have to take multiple unplanned trips to the insanely priced grocery store down the street. But, it may also mean that you accidentally make your mother-in-law's favorite dish.

6. When you dish ice cream for yourself, make sure you ask if anyone else wants some even if it is at naughty eating hours, or you may appear to be the most gluttonous and ungracious host.

7. Having amazing in-laws may not make or break who you choose to marry, but having them feel like your own family is rather nice. I sure hit the jack pot. Mine didn't even care that I walked around in leggings after church instead of being decent and putting on pants. Seriously. The greatest.

8. Old Navy has put out some stellar V-neck T-shirts this year. (Thanks Lisa!) I am probably going to have to go back and get one of each color and pattern. Then I don't have to ever wear anything else.

9. When you move across the country from your family and they come to visit, you get pretty homesick when they leave.

10. Cuddling with your husband while you both play with a cute child is a pretty okay way to curb the home sickness. You'll feel better after you go finish the guacamole from the fridge.

If you don't have friends like this....

Get some.

This is Hannah. Don't mind my hideous expression (I saved the file to my desktop as chins.jpg). Also, don't mind that she seems to be guarding her chest. She was. She wanted a goodbye hug, but is a little weird about chest bumps. We love her anyway. 

Hannah and I had the following text conversation last week.

May you all have people in your lives with whom you are afraid to express nothing, no matter how ridiculous.

Letters

Dear Hannah and Lacy

Thank you for letting me copy you. I like you.



Dear Bangs
Please stop blowing apart in the middle so that I look like I have drawn back curtain on my face.


Dear Gym
Will you stop being so unappealing please? Right now the couch is totally beating you.

Dear Favorite Yellow Shoes
I am sorry I had to leave you outside. If you had been more conducive to sock-wearing I might be able to keep you in my closet.



Dear Internet
You should reach just a tiny bit farther into my front room, so I can preserve my toosh from this unfriendly cement slab that is my front step.


Dear Pinky Toe
I am so sorry that half of your nail came off. The edge of that couch was closer than I calculated.

Dear Sunshine on My Face
You feel nice.



Dear Freezer
I am so glad that you are holding some pecan caramel ice cream for me. How nice.

Dear Chenyl and Mark Sam
I miss you. But mostly Chenyl. But I guess Mark Sam too....



because although I don't particularly miss this....


I miss this


And this.....VERY much



Dear Helicopter
Please be good while husband is flying you. I am rather fond of him, and would like him to be around long enough to see me become a good cook, so...a long time. And besides...


He's so....spectacular