Embarrassing mix-ups, and, oh how I love it when its not me.

Remember those times that I missed the obvious? Remember how I mixed up 'pubic', and 'cuticle'?

facepalm.

I'm still occasionally discovering new embarrassingly obvious facts that I've managed to never understand, but it would simply be selfish to talk more about myself.

I want to make you all feel a little less embarrassed about something outrageous that you've said or mixed up by relating a mix up that someone distantly connected with me made a while back.

In saying that we are distantly connected, I mean the far off connection one has with someone who gave birth to and/or raised them. But, I digress.

The aforementioned, unidentified person to whom I refer has had very serious back and neck problems from birth. During a surgical procedure her doctor, who was unaware of these conditions, positioned her neck in such a way that caused a lot of pain and problems when she awoke from the surgery.

While having a consultation for a follow-up procedure she made sure to mention to the doctor (who happens to be one of the most stoic, refined, and conservative people I've ever met), that she has genital fusion in her neck, so they would need to be a bit more careful.

...

Unsure looks, and and awkward silence were finally broken by my father another distant acquaintance mentioning to the doctor that she must mean congenital fusion.

Genital versus congenital. With the possibility of fusion going on here, I feel like we would need to be pretty sure about which we were speaking.

Thank goodness it was quickly cleared up, or the doctor may have thought he had a medical phenomenon on his hands.

Is it naughty that I find so much comfort in the fact that my blunders are less hilarious than these? I mean, we have also had to make sure she is very conscious of using the words 'sacrum' and 'scrotum' in the correct context.

Very confusing. Also, I hope I still have a family now.

Some times

One time I was so into a television show that I forgot to turn the burner off when I removed my finished ramen noodle dinner from the stove (We were still students, and Ches was waiting tables that night, so naturally that was what I was eating). A potholder was touching the burner. The apartment was completely filled with smoke before it tore my attention away from the screen in order to prevent my fiery death.

One time I didn't notice a hole in my black tights until we were on our way out the door to church. I grabbed a sharpie and colored my skin underneath to hide it. I took the marker with me in case the tights shifted. They did. C still teases me for walking around with big black marker moles on the back of my legs for a couple of days.

One time I dropped my phone on my one month old child's face. Avoid being over-zealous about baby photos.

One time I had to throw up (morning sickness ruuuuules) at the school before my students arrived. Apparently my skirt was a little tight because the slit ripped all the way up to my mid-bum. I had to waddle back to the classroom clutching my behind while trying to stay slinked against the walls. I re-learned two things, I can arch my back really well, and safety pins are a good tool.

 

just today

I remembered that I once confused the words 'pubic' and 'cuticle'....horrifying. 

Don't ask me why.

Perhaps its the same reason I have to think for at lease 15 seconds before I can differentiate between Reese Witherspoon and Kate Hudson in my mind.

My husband might argue that it is probably related to the same brain disfunction that causes my lack of attraction for George Clooney. 

Why I can never say the word repricocity reciprocity correctly. So hard.

Not to mention this list of items. 

Do you know what is not hard? Looking at this face.

                           

Why I can't have a fashion blog..

besides the fact that most of my wardrobe from my freshman year of college is still in my closet....

I may fail

One of my life goals is to become a fluent conversationalist.

I have talked about my awkward conversation quirks before, and my difficulty in keeping up flowing conversation is something that causes me to face palm regularly. I can't tell you the number of times I have walked away from conversations with new people wanting to stick pins into my eyes.

I hope I never meet any celebrities for which I have any admiration, because I am pretty sure they would walk away thinking I was a complete moron. 

Seriously, it is a miracle I can function in the adult world.

There is one question that people ask that I dread and trip over more than any of the others. It should be simple enough to answer. Its not. 

Let me walk you through my mental fall apart.

"So, what do you like to do?"

Brain: Crap. I only like to read. I mean I LIKE to do other things but I am either not good at them, or don't do them regularly enough to feel honest in announcing it as a frequented activity.

Me: Oh, not very much. I like to read and blog, but I pretty much just hang out with Maverik all day. Being a mom takes a lot of time.

Brain: Why don't I do anything cool! I want this person to think I am somewhat interesting, but I sound so UN-interesting. Its not like I can say I like skydiving, I've only been one time.I need to start being artistic or crafty so I can talk about making something....or something. I like going outside, hiking, boating, but am not like super-granola or anything. I made a jean quilt once, but it is falling apart now. I eat processed foods, not healthy conversation topics. They don't have a child, so I can't talk about baby things. Do I think about anything other than poop and nap time anymore? Oh, M is trying to eat the table.

conversation lulls.

Me: awkward smile. act like I need something in my purse or like I got a text message. Talk to M as if her were actually listening, and it is very important. 

Brain: Oh, I guess I could return the question? But, has it lulled too long now? Will I be blurting it out of nowhere at this point?

Me: Become very intent on my meal, and make sure you swallow before you talk if they ask you something else.



I'm hopeless. Anyone out there give smooth talker lessons?