a how to, including a very funny man with a side sweep hairdo

I am not a stranger to what I call self issues. I doubt and compare myself, and can remember doing it for as long as I can remember being self aware.

I have doubted my intellect, my sense of humor, my coolness (coolness is SO lame Steve Carell sums it up bestly), my attractiveness, my style, my ability to interact with people in general....and it could go on.

I still struggle with self issues, I alwaaaaays will, but I have made some pretty large strides in learning to love myself despite my square feet, non-dainty nose, and lack of conversational skill. I think some of this simply comes with maturity (snort. since I have that and stuff.), but some of it has had to be very deliberate. Otherwise I would get into a really icky spiral of self dislike.

So, here is a way I am learning to deliberately deal with my self issues:

I listen to the people that love me. When my husband gives me a compliment, I am trying to learn to take it as true rather than thinking he says what he knows would make me happy if it were true. (The woman's mind is such a webby, messy place)This applies to looks, tastes, and intellect. He also thinks I am very funny. Bless him.

When my well meaning, but creepy 17 year old brother tells my my hair looks sexy a certain way, I let myself feel pretty, and punch him while telling him you never say that to your sister. Ya idiot.

When my mom says,"you look cute, as usual,"....I don't really believe her because I usually haven't showered within the last day, and know she says it because I am a reflection of her genetics, and she wants to be hopeful. Still working on believing the mom :)

Point: The people who live outside of your head perceive you in a completely different manner than you perceive yourself, and if you let yourself learn their way of perception, you start to see the light a little bit more.

Here's to our lovers and loved ones. Trust their eyes, not yours.

just today

I remembered that I once confused the words 'pubic' and 'cuticle'....horrifying. 

Don't ask me why.

Perhaps its the same reason I have to think for at lease 15 seconds before I can differentiate between Reese Witherspoon and Kate Hudson in my mind.

My husband might argue that it is probably related to the same brain disfunction that causes my lack of attraction for George Clooney. 

Why I can never say the word repricocity reciprocity correctly. So hard.

Not to mention this list of items. 

Do you know what is not hard? Looking at this face.

                           

How I apply comic books to real life.

Kryptonite. It is not a real thing. But it's totally a real thing.

I differ in many ways from Kryptonite's original victim. Wearing my underwear under my clothes and understanding that glasses are not an effective disguise are just the beginning of that list. 

This list is just about Kryptonite. The fact that the man of steel only has one weakness is totally proof of his superness.

This is a list of my brands of Kryptonite. They are many. Here are five of them.

                                   

Cookies: you guys are aware if this. I talk about food often, and cookies are in my mind and in my belly particularly often. I have a problem. Seeking cookie counseling. I could really eat an entire dozen cookies without even pausing to consider the fact that it isn't good for me, and sometimes I get curious about how many I could eat before I get sick.

Head massage: That thing the wicked witch does when they throw water on her at the end of Wizard of Oz? I do that, except with happy ooooh's and aaaaaah's, slobber coming forth from the corner of my mouth, and crossed eyes. I puddlefy on the spot. A guy that was once interested in me discovered this, and used it as a party trick a couple of times. As in, hey guys, watch this... I become an instantaneous puddle. I didn't think it was very funny. Just very awkward. We didn't date.

Shoes: a typical womanly weakness. Here's the thing, the right shoes can make a bland outfit feel unique or spunky. This is important to me. I hate feeling meh, bleh, blah, or pleh. Shoes are an easy way to avoid that. And it is hard to be too chubby for shoes....unless we are talking about knee length boots. I can never zip those up over my (not even that big) legs. A topic for not right now. In short, shoes can be a quick way to just feel a little better about the world.

Soft Serve Swirl Cones: Yes, another food item makes my top five list of weaknesses. This particular weakness brings on the side of me that C refers to as "baby Karlie". I will mow right over old people on the sidewalk if there is a soft serve place in sight. My voice suddenly jumps up an octave  and my vocabulary shrinks to mostly squeals and laughs. I'm not kidding. Something just...comes over me. The ice cream bliss. Swirl cones in Cars Land and Charlie's in Logan are tied for the win.

HGTV: I argue that this is useful. I have learned SO much about what I want in a home as far as design and aesthetics than I ever would have figured out watching The Walking Dead (ugh) or Community, or trying to figure it out without television or pinterest (can you IMAGINE?). It doesn't hurt that the Income Property guy is the real life Flynn Rider, Property brothers are so cute, and Kitchen Cousins....well who doesn't visually enjoy them. 

Kryptonite. It's a real thing.

Uncomfortability-ness

It is no secret that I am an awkward person. I am dripping with it. I breath it. If you have talked to me, you could probably see it spewing from my mouth. 

That is just how I am. I'm awkward. I am learning to accept it.

I have mentioned some of my awkward mannerisms before.

The one part of this that I haven't learned to deal with very well, is watching awkward or tense things happen. 

I can't do it. I can't watch.  It makes me SO uncomfortable.

I am not just talking about watching that girl walk down the street thinking that everyone is checking her out, when really she has a trail of toilet paper fluttering behind her. Yes I turn my head aside and cringe. But I am talking about movies, T.V., books. 

I can't even handle awkwardness in non-reality.

I really enjoyed The Office for a while until I realized I spent more time "getting a drink" when Michael Scott was doing something abominable, than actually watching the show. 

I actually get anxiety. I can feel the anxious juices start flooding into all of the corners of my body. (I don't mean that to sound gross. Attaching "juice" to something seems to make it a little on the gross side. Beg your pardon.) I leave the room, close the book, tell husband to inform me when I can watch again. 

I think I may have coping issues. 

Q & A Session: With Myself

Q: Saying that Elder Holland is stellar is cliche by now, but will you say it anyway?

A: Duh. Elder Holland has a special gift to touch the hearts of people who listen to him. I am certainly not an exception. 

Q: How many episodes of Doctor Who did you watch this weekend?

A: Well, I didn't count on purpose because I knew I would be ashamed. The number mostly likely reached the double digits. 

Q: What is a current fear that you have?

A: That Maverik won't know how present I was in his infancy because there will be few pictures of us together. I am always behind the camera. Selfies can only be done from so many angles. He might think I had no body. Also, chicken thighs. I loath them. They always have veins and blood left in them, but I keep buying them because they cost so much less than breasts.

Q: Is it acceptable that the sexiest thing you have worn in the past three months is your husbands spandex baseball thermals? (Too much?)

A: a. They are soooooo comfortable, and I was tired of my sweats.  b. It is hard to find time to be sexy on purpose. (waaaaaay to much?) c. No. I will go cook something delicious for him immediately.

Q: Can you continue to have kind thoughts for the 12 people that trudge heavily and unceasingly in the apartment above you into all hours of the night?

A: It is getting iffy. I mostly wonder how two grown families can stand to live in a two bedroom apartment. I applaud them for pulling it off, but if they don't get hover-socks soon, I might have to start morse-coding mean things at them with my broom handle. 

Neccessary Evils

There are a lot of things I avoid doing in public as part of my personal rules.

...sing with my ipod on, and my headphones in

...fall on either of my ends (face or derriere)

...have a booger

...toot *

...walk around boisterously talking about llamas and ardvarks.

Now.  I have done, or am close to others who have done, all of these things.  And as terrible as they all are, there is one activity worse than all of these, that all of us must do in a public setting.

Use the restroom.

I mean really, is there a more embarassing place than a public restroom?  I despise them, yet in my current situation I use them 3-4 times daily.  I was using one the other day, and I realized that (at least for women) we have quite the system of public bathroom etiquette.

 I am not going to get into the endless rules about choosing stalls, what you do when you run out of tp (we've all been there right?), how you try not to look at eachother in the mirror while washing hands, not judging a stranger for checking out her backside in the mirror before she leaves (we all do it), no.  I am going to address the cough-sniff. 

I have only yet noticed two circumstances in which to use this tool.
The example below is adapted to only four stall or less bathrooms

One: When you entered the bathroom it was vacant, and you entered to take care of your needs.  After you have finished your business, but before you've left the stall, another person enters.  You must cough-sniff to let them know you are there, so they don't do anything embarrassing.

Two: You have finished washing your hands and are leaving the bathroom.  You know there is only one other person in the bathroom, and they have been sitting in their stall with no noise for quite some time.  You must cough-sniff as you leave so they know that you are departing, and they should hurry and get out all embarassing noises before the next woman enters the bathroom.

I was amazed at this system that I had been taking for granted for quite some time.

We have all also had that moment when some woman ignores this part of the bathroom code.

It's embarassing for all involved.


*This is the more refined way of refering to farting, and is part of the embarassing things that the cough-sniff help keep private.

Frozen Orange Juice

You know how everyone has some really weird thing that they do? ( don't try to convince yourself that you don't have one. I know you either do a ritual dance in your underwear right before you go to bed every night, or make "come hither" faces at yourself as a rule every time you look in a mirror). Well among other things that I won't divulge here, one of my weird habits, is to eat frozen orange juice. I buy those gallons of "real orange juice", the really cheap ones, then I pour a glass, stick it in the freezer for approximately 3 hours, and then I delight in its taste and texture as I spoon it into my mouth. I don't know why, but for some reason it's texture is amazing to me. Some people might claim that texture has nothing to do with enjoyment of food, but that is FALSE. Of the many things I inherited from my father, one of them is a complete intolerance for inappropriate textures attached to what I put in my mouth. I also attribute my good health so far this fall to the high amounts of Vitamin C I have taken in through this frozen goodness. Another amazing thing about it is it's ability to make me feel like I am getting a treat/dessert, when in all reality I'm not. It feels like a treat because #1 It is frozen when you eat it, and pretty much only treats do that, and #2 is simple. Like I said before, it is simply delightful.
So, if any of you would like to somehow get the satisfaction of a delicious treat, without actually eating one, try the wonderful world of frozen orange juice!